Wedding Photography – you wouldn’t believe it even if I told you … though I really don’t know that I could make it all up so here goes… I officiate weddings ... lots of weddings... and over the years I thought I'd seen it all ... until recently ...
I get to the wedding site the customary time well before the affair … lightening cracking , skies opened up … it's an outdoor ceremony ... but that wasn’t even the beginning…. I tromped through the wet grass after the rain burst , only to find THE FLORIST there setting up … WITH ALL OF THE GUESTS inside the reception hall … they had all of their s*&t flung out , van doors open and backed right up to the front door like the guest of honor my friend … Caterers were still setting up too … and guests were all just mingling – water only because they didn’t want to risk running out of bar bev’s… Maybe it was to be an interactive affair somewhat like a barn-raising ...Ok ... I like that concept... So I wander off to find the bride and groom and of course the photographer in the designated "holding room "… Photowitch was in RARE form … barking orders at everyone and bitching about E V E R Y T H I N G you could imagine… and even some things you can’t imagine…
With the bewitching hour now upon us , the caterer and photowitch decided to seat everyone in the wet , humid, grassy ceremony area…puddled with fresh rainwater ... I suggested we wait to make sure all important guests were present but NNNOOOOOOOO it was time and dammit those guests were getting seated … like it or not … About this time the photographer reminds us all that she is so much more than just a photographer... so … we waited …. And waited … ho hummmm diddle dee dee … waiting ….. did I say , still waiting ? At one point the dumpy DJ decided to use his dj voice to announce the brides father wasn’t here and basically that he was a sorry ass dad and piece of low life shit ( this move was directed by the photographer too )… nice … yes… REAL NICE … … still waiting . BUT after 90 minutes ( yes that is 1 ½ hours ) the brides dad showed up , we dried off her tears, calmed down the groom and were on our way … BUT NOT BEFORE the circus of getting everyone lined up ( ever hear the saying hearding cats ) …. At this point , I am just about OVER IT … I have gone way beyond my dreams of being patient, priestly, and whatever other persona I should exude in my role there…. I am now HIGHLY IRRITATED … but good southern girl that I am , I am still just standing and smiling ... the photowitch directed me to make some “announcements “ before the ceremony started … yes … I am to announce that they throw the flowers petals located on the end of the aisles when the bride and groom recess ( oh , forgive me – they don’t’ know what that means so I am to use the words “ WALK OUT” ) … but better yet … since it really IS all about the photowitch I am to announce that there is to be NO FLASH photography throughout the evening so as not to interfere with the photographers ability to take good pictures ) … PLEASE bring me the gun now … seriously ….
So we got the two kids hitched , everyone threw the petals , no one flashed the photographer … and the reception can FINALLY begin …
IT’s not over …
I went to say my congratulations and good byes … hugs … I am great… all that pizzazz… and now the photowitch is forcing her boyfriends cards on me …. She took a stack of them to pass out AT THE RECEPETION … he is a MASSAGE THERAPIST … REALLY ???? I’m not really feeling it … I would like to state for the record however that I am retaining the rights to the B Movie and will use all characters playing themselves… reality tv has NOTHING on my experience …. And when I make my million off of the movie I’ll take you out for an iced cold skinny girl adult beverage on my new yacht ! HA!
I promise it is ALL true …
Disclaimer:
In defense of the Bride & Groom ... she was truly gorgeous and he was a handsome saint... I feel certain they will have a long and happy life together ... it's simply all about choosing the right players ...
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